Thursday, January 26, 2012

Stepping Out of A Dark Place

I wasn't sure if I'd have to courage to publish this post or not. If you follow me on Twitter, you may know that today just wasn't good. Getting out of bed felt like the hardest thing I've ever done, and when I finally did get up {late} and dragged myself to work looking like hell, I had no motivation to do anything. I have had more and more days like this lately. Depression is something I've battled for many years. I think partly it's in my genes, partly due to battling chronic illness, and who knows why else... anyway, I've been on anti-depressants off and on for most of my 20's and have struggled off and on regardless. I felt like there was a major dip in my mood accompanied by anxiety over the past few weeks. Nothing suicidal or anything, but I just get so down, lose my motivation and get extremely anxious!! Today I felt like I needed to either get in my bed and hide from the world, or go do something. So I took a long lunch break and hit the stairs. I hadn't ran them in quite awhile due to all of the rain here. The stairs are old and uneven, so they tend to be slippery and unsafe after days of rain. But today there was a break in the rain {thank you, God} and I decided to put on my running shoes and hit go for it!! I had to keep it short {about 30} minutes, since I wasn't properly fueled for a workout and hadn't drank enough water. But I feel so. much. better.

I hope this doesn't sound like a sob story, that's not what it's meant to be. I know I'm not the only one who suffers from depression and anxiety. Depression is so isolating if you allow it to be. So is anxiety. I think they have more power in isolation. Not talking about it is what {I believe} sends you spiraling deeper. So here I am, talking. I feel like the past few weeks I've really struggled to put on a happy face, to get dressed to get work done, to just do life. In light of this, I am making a conscious effort not to be silent about it, and to keep pushing myself and to seek support when I need it. I'm hoping to have more outfit posts as accountability to get moving and get really dressed. Not for vanity but because, let's face it- it feels good to look good. As far as support goes, my best friend and my love and two solid rocks in my life. I tell both of them everything and although J doesn't know what anxiety feels like, he listens and comforts me. He also reminds me that God is my rock. He helps me remember that I am never alone.

Stopping everything in the middle of the day and running the stairs probably sounds really odd, but it helped so much!! The endorphins are flowing and although I'm still a little down, I feel more hopeful and more energized! The stairs are a challenging workout. I always feel accomplished after pounding out a few sets of those. {It's a really good workout, I'll post the details of it soon, I just didn't want to take away from the post}
city view from the top of the stairs
I want to make an important distinction here. There are bad days and there is clinical depression. I know I battle clinical depression. I do take medication for it daily, but that doesn't completely keep the dark days/weeks away. I'm choosing to be proactive right now, and for me, that includes activity and sticking to the goals I mentioned above.

This was a tough post for me to write. I strive to be honest on my blog, and I wanted to be honest about this. I think often when reading blogs you see "happy" people and all the "happy" things in their lives. Bloggers don't always share the hard stuff. I'm such an advocate for wellness, and I wanted to share with you all that I'm not perfect. I'm not always well, but I'm working on it. I also want to give credit to Jessica and Elissa. These two women write the most courageous posts, and their courage gave me the extra push to be more vulnerable to all of you. It was really hard for me to know the right words to say. I just spoke from my heart. So that's me, getting vulnerable and being transparent. I just want to walk it like I talk it. Thank you, all of you for reading. It brings me joy to post about my passions and to get your comments, emails, tweets, fb likes, follows, etc. I appreciate each and every one of you and I know there are brighter days ahead!!
sweaty with a genuine smile after my stair run!

Much Love,

Follow Me on Pinterest Photobucket

22 comments:

  1. Get it girl! You're so brave and amazing. Sharing your story is sure to help others that feel alone wit htheir know that they are not. Im sending over a hug and smile across the country! Love you!

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  2. You are so brave to write this post.  I do not deal with depression or anxiety myself, but my husband deals with anxiety and takes medication.  There is nothing wrong with either of these, but for some reason society deems them abnormal, which is ridiculous.  So glad you put yourself out there and shared your story.

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  3. I think it's good to write how you feel and let it out rather than keeping it all inside.  Although I've never dealt with severe depression, I know what it feels like to have really bad days and I hope you'll always find a way to manage through those kinds of days again - like you did today. I hope you are feeling better!!!

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  4. I'm proud of you girl. Know that even when you can't see Him or feel His presence, God is holding you up! He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is your strength and your song, and your portion forever. Praying for you sweets.

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  5. I think you are amazing, Krys. Good for you for posting this, and getting it out in the open. That took a lot of courage & strength. That should show you that you are facing your  depression head on & with strength. You will overcome and over power it, I know you can & will. Your amazing positive attitude towards exercising and other subjects astounds me sometimes. Always know there are so many people who love & care for you, and you can use that to fight off the depression. It definitely helped me through out my twenties so far. Hearts & love to you, girl.

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  6. I am so proud of you.  Depression sucks.  I have my own battles occasionally -- usually brought on by stress and anxiety.  In high school, I had really bad depression and anxiety problems, so I can relate (in my own way).  It is nothing compared to being clinically depressed, though.  If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to get in touch with me! :) I'm always on Twitter, and we can even exchange phone numbers.  I'm here for you, girl.  Beasts stick together.


    http://www.glamkittenslitterbox.com/
    Twitter: @GlamKitten88

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  7. Thank you for sharing this! I've also been in a rut of depression and sometimes, dare I say, feel guilty for feeling that way. Not only guilty for feeling down, because I know my life is truly blessed, but for talking about it and having others view me poorly.

    Reaching out for support is so necessary. And know that more often than not others are feeling the same way as you. Everyone has their battles.

    Best, Jessica (www.LivingPortlandBlog.com)

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  8. Jessica, thank you so much for your comment! Yes, I feel guilt with depression too. It's really hard not to beat yourself up for beating yourself up, you know?? :/ Keep pressing on, dear!!

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  9. Gosh, what a kind message!! Thank you, Kirstin. Yes, I was super hesitant to post this. Isn't it always easier to just act happy? It's online, so no one knows the truth, right?? But there was something truly freeing in getting the truth out. And the outpouring of love from all of you means a lot to me! I will cling to these kind words from you. <3

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  10. Ugh, TRUTH, TRUTH, TRUTH! What more can I say?? Thank you for reminding me of this and for you support and prayers! I sure need them!!!

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  11. Thank you so much!! Yes, the days are often right now, so I'm just trying to push through them, and all of your support means SO MUCH to me!!

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  12. You're right! Thank you for your support, Maureen!! I SO appreciate it!!

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  13. I admire your courage at sharing honestly the hard times. I know how difficult that can be, but it shows great character. I hope that your strength helps you get through these rough times. You look absolutely beautiful in that photo.

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  14. Wow, Celeste, what a thoughtful comment!! Thank you so much! And thanks for the compliment! I didn't feel exactly beautiful but wanted to show you guys what a genuine glow you can get from fitness endorphins even on the worst of days ;)

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  15. Terese, thank you for your support! One of my best blog friends!! You mean so much to me- sending love right back at ya, babe!! XO

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  16. Krystle I definitely can relate to you in so many ways. I myself have suffered from depression time after time so I do know where you are coming from. I think we each just handle it differently. For me it comes and go especially when my husband is away (deployments) and having to move from state to state and not knowing anyone after we move. I try to deal with it the best way I know how. I believe we all have dealt with some type of depression in our lives in so many different ways. I commend you for being able to post about your struggles with depression and as I can relate I'm sure you are the voice for many others as well. Keep doing what you are doing and I'm sure over time it will only get better and thanks for sharing with us. <3 ya and smooches! :)

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  17. Thank you so much for sharing your story.  Praying for you!

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  18. Wow, thank you so much for the thoughtful comment!! You are so kind to help me feel more normal ;) Thanks for sharing your experience! I couldn't imagine being a military wife- that takes such great strength! Smooches right back at ya!!!

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  19. I think more bloggers should write posts that really come from the heart like this. It is easy to act "perfect" online and you can hide your insecurities on the internet but sometimes it really gets me down when I see people with all happy and exciting things going on all the time and people that seem perfect. I always find that exercise helps when I'm feeling down but like you said, there are bad days and then there is clinical depression and I have not experienced the latter but this has really inspired me. Thank you x

    http://thechicmuse000.blogpspot.com/

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